


The Secrets Taken to the Grave Dept.

by CabiriaMinerva



Series: My end is my beginning [2]
Category: The Magicians (TV), The Magicians - Lev Grossman
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Emotional Hurt, M/M, The Library, Underworld, queliot, secrets taken to the grave
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:40:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23364082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CabiriaMinerva/pseuds/CabiriaMinerva
Summary: When Eliot dies, it is Penny who is waiting for him: before moving on to the Underworld, everyone has to go through the Secrets Taken to the Grave Dept. And maybe it's not a bad thing, because there is a secret that Eliot has never shared with anyone.
Relationships: Quentin Coldwater/Eliot Waugh
Series: My end is my beginning [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1667686
Comments: 5
Kudos: 58





	The Secrets Taken to the Grave Dept.

_Never thought we'd ever have to go without  
Take you over anybody else, hands down  
We're the type of melody that don't fade out  
Don't fade out, can't fade out  
Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I love you?  
Didn't we, didn't we, didn't we fly?  
Know that I, know that I still care for you  
But didn't we, didn't we say goodbye?_

_Didn't I_ , One Republic

  
  


In the end, his life had been longer than he had imagined. And his death had been, funny enough, so normal, so mundane even... cirrhosis of the liver. Well, he should have seen that coming, of course. One didn't drink like he did and get away with it. Not even a magician.

It had been less painful than he would have imagined, too. Probably thanks to magic medicine (and by magic medicine, he really meant opioids), but still... being 47 with a collapsing liver had not been an experience he was eager to live again.

He sneered to himself. _Congratulations, Waugh, you are managing to joke about your own death. While already being dead. That's something._

Anyway, that had been it. His death, finally... 20 years too late, he sometimes thought. Because if he had simply died when he had gone to Fillory the first time, as he had wished back then, maybe it would have been easier, wouldn't it? All that he had felt in those 20 years, all that he had lost... simply wouldn't have been an issue. Because, you know... dead.

Sure, on the other hand, all that he had felt in those 20 years, all that he had found would never have existed, and did he really wish that?

_The light weight of a crown long forgotten._

_His lips curving into a smile at the sight of Fen doing one of her Fen things._

_The sweetness of peaches in his mouth._

_Chalk on his fingers and a child running towards him._

_Soft, warm lips pressed against his skin._

_Words soft spoken in the dim light of a throne room._

_The trembling smile on Bambi's face after having him back._

_Warm hands grabbing the back of his vest while he promises Alice that she is not alone._

_Laughter bubbling up his throat, shocking him because he'd truly believed he would never be able to feel happy again, not even for a second._

_Small feet, tiny hands, new lives slowly emerging from the mess that had been their existence._

«Ah, Eliot, right. Please, come in.»

A familiar voice pulled him away from his memories. «Penny?» Penny (well, their first Penny, the one from their timeline. Yes, yes, things had been complicated in his short yet somewhat long life) had been working for the Underworld branch of the Library since his death, so many years ago, and they all knew... but to see him there, suit and tie and all, waiting for him in the threshold of something called Secrets Taken to the Grave Dept. (which was not ominous at all for someone like Eliot, whose entire life had been built on dark secrets)... well, that wasn't something he had expected. He hadn't expected to see him ever again, to be honest. Sometimes he had even almost forgotten about him – you know, with the other Penny having two kids with Julia and all.

«It's nice seeing you. You know, all things considered.» Penny made a vague gesture that meant to include the office in which they had both just entered. It was very... neat. «I know you must be disoriented, and I just want you to know that it's perfectly normal to experience some confusion after your arrival. Being on another plane, with other circumstances... And then, obviously, there's the fact that you died. I apologise for the bluntness, but I don't think you need me to sugar coat this. Your body and mind just went through a very rough process, due mostly to your liver very slowly collapsing. And although your death has been quite serene, your soul needs some time to readjust. But don't worry, it will pass very soon once you get to your final destination.» He smiled to Eliot, who simply kept staring at him.

«Are you sure you are Penny?»

Maybe he wasn't dead after all, and all this was simply an opioid-induced hallucination. Because Penny hadn't been that nice even in the best of days, so that good-mannered, patient person explaining to him how things worked in the Underworld couldn't possibly be Penny.

«Pretty sure, yes.» Maybe-Penny smiled. It was so strange, this smile. So un-Penny-like. «You know, Quentin had a similar reaction when he arrived.»

_Quentin._

Eliot felt his heart skip a beat, then pounding against his chest. He barely registered Penny explaining how the Library changed you, the things you learned, and blah blah blah.

_Quentin._

Something that felt dangerously like hope fluttered in his stomach and he tried to smother it.  _For fuck's sake, Waugh, keep it together_ . He still remembered that dream he had made, only months after Q's death. Swallowing down the lump in his throat, he mentally reprimanded himself. It was just a dream, that couldn't have been Quentin. It just couldn't. It would have been too good to know that he would be waiting for him in the Underworld, wouldn't it? So it  _had_ to be a dream. Because who was he to deserve such reward? An eternity. Together. No, no, that kind of stuff didn't happened, and if they did, they didn't happened to  _him_ . 

«Are you listening to me?» Once again, Penny's placid voice interrupted his stream of thoughts and brought him back to to white, neat office.

«Yeah, sorry. I just...»

«I know.» Penny smiled, and Eliot wondered how much did he know. Had he read his books? «I haven't.»

_What the fuck?_

«Mental wards don't work in this particular office,» Penny explained. «But no, I haven't read your books, although I must admit that someone having two books is pretty impressive.» He nodded to himself, almost as if pleased to have had the honour of knowing such a person. «Anyway, I haven't read them but I have known you and Quentin for years while I was alive, remember? And then, well, I met Quentin here. Everyone has to come to the Secrets Taken to the Grave Dept. before they can move on. Usually, the newly dead spend an indefinite amount of time in the waiting zone, but he arrived as soon as he died. Let's say it was a special treatment for the services rendered.»

«I see.» Did he? Eliot didn't know, maybe he was confused, as Penny had said. It sure felt confusing, all of it. «Wait, I don't remember waiting, I was at the hospital, and then I woke up here.» Was he losing his mind? Was there still some part of his mind that could be lost?

«As I said, special treatment for the services rendered.» At that, Eliot raised an eyebrow. It was almost annoying, the way Penny smiled. So placid, none of the abrasiveness that had characterized him in life was left. «I know you don't think you ever did much good, but you did. Yes, sometimes you messed up. We all did.» Penny gave him a knowing look. Yes, they all did at some point. «But you have been brave more than once, you deserve this.»

Did he truly deserve special treatment? As always, a voice in the back of his skull whispered that the answer was no, so Eliot lowered his gaze towards the floor (white, neat, like everything else in that place. God, it looked like a glorified hospital).

«You do,» Penny reassured him mildly. «You don't even need to spill out the secret you took to the grave, if you don't want to.»

Eliot's eyes raised to him. Not just because this felt a bit too gentle to be true, considered the life he had had, but also because he could feel a _but_ coming.

«But,» aaaand here it came. «I think you'd feel better if you just spit it out. I know it's there, I can see it has been eating you inside for a long time now.»

Eliot cleared his throat. «I don't know what you are talking about, if this is just a formality, then please, just get it over with.» He sighed.

Penny slowly nodded. «OK, then.» He handed him a laminated card. _MetroCard._ «Here's your ticket to the Underworld, I'll go with you to the stop, if that's OK with you?»

Eliot took the card and nodded, but when Penny walked to the door, opening it for him, he didn't move. His feet felt like lead and there was something weighing on his chest, making it burn. His lips opened and closed a few times before he licked them and shook his head. «This is stupid.»

With his (still surprising) patience and quietness, Penny closed the door and looked at him with something that looked dangerously like fondness.

_Whatever drug he's on, it must be good stuff._

«Look, I know it's not easy, and as I told you, you could simply go... But you obviously _need_ this, so why don't you just say it?»

Eliot stared at him for a long moment before forcing the words out of his dry mouth. He had had many secrets, some darker than others, but he had also had shared and faced most of them. So the only one left was, «What if...» He swallowed and closed his eyes for a second. Then he ran his fingers through his hair. «I have always had this...  _hope_ ... and I don't know...» His heart was beating so fast he was almost afraid it would burn a hole in his chest and just run the fuck away. 

Penny made a few steps towards him, then he changed his mind and leaned on his desk, patiently waiting for him to go on. 

«After Quentin died, I've had this dream, I think? It didn't feel like a dream, it felt real, but... I don't know, maybe it really was just a dream, you know? Anyway, whatever that was, he told me he would be there, waiting for me. I never told this to anyone because... I wanted to believe it, I really did... I do,» he raised his shiny hazel eyes on the other man. «But what if it was really just a dream? What if after all the years spent  _hoping_ he... isn't there? What if he is in a complete other place, or he has forgotten...» he tried to say in a light tone, while in truth what he had wanted to say was,  _What if he has forgotten about me?_ «And then I also wonder, if he isn't there, will Margo be, when her time will come? My friends?» Suddenly, Eliot felt like a tiny, scared child again. «I don't want to be alone, but maybe I don't deserve more than that.»

Penny smiled (and god, his smile was truly annoying now!). «First of all, let me reassure you: what you saw that night was Quentin. We had to re-cast the spell protecting that room after someone discovered he had been sneaking in hoping to see you. It took an entire afternoon to redo it. And since we have this connection from our time on Earth, I was the one who was sent to reprimand him. Not that he seemed particularly sorry, having achieved what he wanted.» He smiled again, shaking his head, amused. 

«Oh.»

«Yes, oh. He has always been stubborn, hasn't he? That hasn't changed. To tell the truth, death doesn't really changes you much. I mean, yes, it does change you, but what makes you _you_ will always be there. Your soul. Your shade. _You._ »

Eliot attempted a smile, and it felt so foreign on his lips. Sometimes he thought he could forget how to smile, if left alone for too long.

«For the rest... I can't really tell you what you'll find once you move on, sorry. House rules.»

«I see.»

«But I can tell you this: the Underworld is not a punishment. Forget all that Christian's shit that you've been force fed when you were a child so that you would hate yourself. Think of it more like... Valhalla. Or Elysium. Those were actually more accurate representations of the Underworld.» Penny came closer and put a hand on his shoulder. «And I can take you to the train, so you can find out for yourself. What do you say?» He offered his other hand.

Eliot took it.

* * *

When the train started to slow down, Eliot breathed in a shaky breath.

That was it, the moment of truth.

Slowly, he got up from his seat and walked to the doors, his hand nervously closing and opening at his side, his gaze trained to the white floor. Then the train stopped and the doors slid open. He bit his lower lip and raised his eyes, ready for whatever was or was not waiting for him.

His heart skipped a beat when his gaze was met by warm, brown eyes, and his lips relaxed into a tentative smile.

«Hey,» said Quentin. «I've been waiting for you.»


End file.
